Zach and I got married 9 years ago. We were young. I was 22 and he was 21.
We have known each other since I was 7 years old. We both went to school at Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo. Veeerry long story short we got engaged when he was 20 and I 21 and moved back home to Santa Cruz after 3 years of college to finish school here and begin our new life together around our family and friends.
I did poorly in college. I mean really poorly. Despite my family’s emphasis on education growing up,I completely took this gift of education that I was given for granted. Growing up we went to visit colleges across the country and my parents and relatives always encouraged us to work hard and gave us every resource we needed to succeed. I never tried hard and it showed. When we moved here, with little motivation, I decided to do some work at the community college to get my grades up and finish at a local state school.
After 8 months of marriage I unexpectedly became pregnant. At first we were shocked. Once that shock wore off, we got a little more used to the idea. At 7 weeks I was home by myself taking a shower preparing for our first doctors appointment and I passed out in the shower. I crawled out and got sick on the bathroom floor while going in and out of consciousness. I somehow pulled myself together and got to the couch and began feeling “better”. Zach came to pick me up for my doctors appointment where he had to carry me to the car. I, in my youth and ignorance, thought this was bad morning sickness. At the doctors they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I passed out in the exam room again and was just out of it. They wanted me to come back in a week to check for a heartbeat.
I got better throughout the day. But the next day I began bleeding. We called the doctor and it was concluded that I was miscarrying. We were both very sad. It was such a whirlwind- getting married, getting pregnant, losing a pregnancy. I went in a week later, by myself, to check and make sure the miscarriage had taken its course. As I was getting my exam the nurse who was doing the ultrasound began freaking out- like cursing freaking out. All of a sudden she pulled out the doppler and I hear a heart beating. I was so confused, you have no idea. She ran out of the room and I was left in there wondering what in the world was going on. She came back in and brought me into the doctors office. At this point I had called Zach and he rushed over because we both knew something was wrong. They told me that I did not miscarry. I was, in fact, still pregnant. It was a tubal pregnancy and my tube had ruptured and I had been bleeding internally for a week now. They rushed me into emergency surgery where they cauterized my tube and removed the two liters of blood that were close to my brain at that point. If it would have gone any longer, I might have been in big trouble.
What came after was months of sadness, depression and post traumatic stress. I was so young, with none of my other friends even married. I felt like I had no one to relate this deep sadness to. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again. Zach and I grew so close during this time. But any little motivation left I had for school disappeared. I continued to work at the school my children now go to and just kept telling myself and others that I’d go back to school soon.
Slowly, through nothing but the grace of faith, I got better. A year later I got pregnant with Isabel. We were both so thrilled to be becoming parents. Because of my previous traumatic experience I have always had to work through deep anxieties during my pregnancies, but we have successfully had three beautiful and healthy children.
Zach has always been so supportive of me being a stay at home mother. I think we’re both so grateful that I’ve gotten to be home with our children, working my hardest to love them , instill a deep faith in them and take care of our home and their lives in it. Once all the children came, I never desired to go back to school. I was so fulfilled in this space. Then I began doing creative things that nourished me, who I was. I began sewing. Slowly at first, then it became a deep rooted passion. A couple years after beginning sewing, I started a blog, My Mama Made It, to catalogue things I had been doing for the girls and had begun sewing for me. It was my outlet, my own thing, my own space. I never thought it would go anywhere, I just thought it was fun. I always allowed it to be whatever the Lord desired it to be. I didn’t have aspirations or goals for it. It just brought me joy. Slowly it began growing. Things got bigger and went places I never imagined. But I always left it in God’s hands and just went with the open doors that came with it.
Fast forward to this year and I have two children in school, one at home.
Things are so different for me with just one at home. I began realizing in a couple of years, I will have no children at home to mother during the day! (tears) Where did the time go? Weren’t they just born? (right now ‘Sunrise, Sunset’ from Fiddler on the Roof is playing through my head.) Through a small sequence of events which I won’t make this post any longer with, the Lord awakened a deep desire in me within in a flash.
I want to be a teacher.
After ten years- re enter college. I begin the college journey again at the age of 32. I’ve decided to finish online so I can still be at home with Giselle and fully present to the family. I haven’t chosen an online program yet (any recommendations??) and the thought of the work, effort and costs are quite daunting. But Zach and I both feel it’s, no doubt, the right path. I think I have about three years to complete the program.
Re-enter the blog. I’ve been praying over the last few days asking God what the purpose of me having the blog was. I was just plain curious. I realized something so important and so very humbling. What sewing has done for me, nothing else could.
It’s taught me patience, determination, research, precision, motivation, the importance of quality, and follow through. Working on something for hours, never giving up, working hard and seeing your finished product in the end has given me a feeling of success that I never had before. I love that about sewing.
Then the blog, where to begin. What YOU have taught me and helped me with is self confidence. Having something that was mine that people liked and praised. I began believing in ME, in the abilities that God has given me. I had to work hard to discover them but he helped me dig and then such beautiful things grew from this little garden He planted within me. It was always His and when I allowed Him to water it how He saw fit, things grew that I didn’t know existed within me. For all the comments, emails, encouragement, constructive criticism and for just following along, thank you. You have no idea how much it’s done within me.
Small fears have already crept in. Can I do this? Can I do all that I do at home well and do school? What if I won’t be as good at this as I hope to be? But I just have to try my hardest, with this new desire and motivation and…. trust.
So tying that all in with beginning college again, I know I couldn’t begin again without all the lessons I’ve learned along the way. I still feel terrible for squandering the opportunity the first time. It was my own poor choices. But I’m going to finish what I started, this time with much more heart and passion that has grown in me through my journey here.
To finish school, be a stay at home mother and wife, and run this blog would be impossible for me. Something would suffer. So as my faith is always first and my family is next I must let go of the blog. It would just be too much work and diversifying of attention. And I really want to do school right this time around. I still had so many things to show you and ideas are still swarming through my head, ones that I’ll now never post. Letting Made By Lex go leaves me in a slight state of grief, but I also feel so much peace about it. The Lord has allowed it to serve it’s purpose in my life, one that I had no idea of originally. I might pop in here and there, who knows. But my intention is to focus my full attention elsewhere. The website will still be up so you can still check al the tutorials, and access anything you need, and my etsy shop will still be active.
With excitement, tears, trepidation, and gratitude I humbly say
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